A cry of fear rose up from the state of Arizona on Monday, when it was confirmed
that Janet Napolitano would become Governor this coming January. The sky became
inexplicably dark and the ground shook around the time the announcement was made,
as if the Earth itself was prophesying of evil things to come.
"This truly is a dark day for the good state of Arizona," Arizona Diamondbacks
center fielder Steve Finley stated. "The real problem was dissonance. The infield
voted for Salmon, but the outfield and the pitchers voted for Mahoney. Man, I hate
the infielders so much..."
Preachers were seen frantically packing up their possessions to flee the state.
"It's just not safe here anymore," Father Dmitri Shostakovich said.
Experts expect a great famine to fall upon Arizona, along with several other
Biblical plagues, such as locusts and first-born-son-deaths.
Ryan's Opinion: Why are we Arizonans made to suffer so? As if the whole
Rodeo-Chideski deal wasn't bad enough, now we have an angry, evil being at the
helm of the state's future. When she destroys my college education to fund her
own personal needs (gallon jugs of blood, massive amounts of greenhouse gases,
and an army of mutants to conquer New Mexico), you can bet I'll be skipping town.
On second thought, why skip town when I can just form a rebellion and install my
own fasci--I mean... democratic paradise? I'll base my campaign on using the state's
taxpayer dollars to finally put a man on the moon, as opposed to building a studio
in Texas and faking the whole thing.
And that... is the news.
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