Current Events

(Phoenix) - Four days after the election took place, Arizonans are still unaware of who their next Governor will be. As of this morning, Democratic candidate Janet Napolitano led Republican Matt Salmon by roughly 17,000 votes, with 120-something thousand ballots still left to count.

When questioned about the delay, ballot counter Aunt Jemima stated, "Hey, do you want to give this a shot? It ain't all fun and games. You have to know how to count and stuff."

Said Napolitano, "This is exactly what I expect from the state of Arizona. Nothing but a bunch of screw-ups. My first act as Governor will be to kill the lot of ya!" She was later informed by her campaign manager that the microphone was actually on, causing the current leader of the race a great deal of embarrassment, and possibly the race.

Ryan's Opinion: This wouldn't even be a problem if Napolitano hadn't hired What's-his-name Mahoney to join the race in order to split the Republican party. Had she not done so, then Salmon would have won on Tuesday. But here we are, so here is my analysis:

This is obviously the work of bloodthirsty anarchists. In an effort to rid the state of a Governor, they have rigged the ballot counting system so that it never ends. What's their motive? What do they have to gain from an empty seat in the Governor's office? There are two posibilities:

1. Marshall law. Once we have no government to rule us, hooligans will be free to loot and riot at their own disposal.


2. A diversion. While the entire state mulls over who will be ruling us with his/her iron fist, these terrorists go through with their REAL plan: the theft of America West Arena. No one will notice until after the election has been decided, because no one cares about the Suns enough anymore to pay more attention to them than the Governorship.

To every problem, there lies a solution. In this case, that solution is a dictatorship. While Napolitano and Salmon bungle and stumble around like fools, it is up to one chosen citizen to take power and end the dispute, thus turning the attention of the people to law enforcment and basketball, where it belongs.

And that, dear readers, is the news.