MI-6 Agent 007 was arrested earlier this week, when it was discovered that he forged his famed License to Kill from an old credit card. Thus saying, he has committed thousands upon thousands of unpardonable crimes in his 30+ year career
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| James Bond is a ruthless killer and, apparently, a criminal |
"I really had no idea," Bond's superior, Agent M, said in a press conference on Thursday. "He was just so good, I just assumed that he was on the level. Even if he is a criminal, he's the best secret agent Great Britain has ever seen, so it is my belief, as well as my colleagues', that Bond should be granted a full pardon."
This statement was greeted by a chorus of hisses and boos. The audience present at the press conference was dedicated to seeing Bond executed, holding signs and burning effigies of him.
| Bond's Charges, and Counts of Each |
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|---|---|
| Charge | Counts |
| First Degree Murder | 129 |
| Second Degree Murder | 4,792 |
| Disturbing the Peace | 6,203 |
| Reckless Endangerment | 10,233 |
| Grand Theft | 5,621 |
| Tresspassing | 9,245 |
| Vandalism | 918 |
| Arson | 796 |
"Burn him! Hang him! Electrocute him! I don't care, as long as he dies!" said Janet No, the widow of Dr. No, whom Bond killed early in his career. She, along with Tracy Goldfinger, Maxine Zorin, and Bernice Blofeld, is spearheading the initiative to see that Bond is killed in the least humane way possible.
Their cause is seeing wide support. Millicent Jones, whose husband was killed by Bond sometime during the 1970's (we're not sure when, he was just a mindless henchman), is one of them.
"We all wanted him dead, but we new he was justified in doing what he did. Now that we know he did it illegally, we can really press for his execution."
Because of the multitude of charges being dealt with, Bonds' trial is expected to last at least a decade. The Boredom Zone experts estimate that, if Bond were to not receive the death penalty, Bond would serve 629 consecutive life sentences.
Bond was not available for comment, as he is being held at maximum security. His guards have been informed to keep watch on him around the clock, knowing he could escape at any moment. After all, he is James Bond.
And that... is the news.