Ryan's Job

From my experience, most people who come to the movies seem to assume that those of us behind the counter are nothing but soulless shells of people. This is almost true--working does make me feel soulless, but deep down I still have feelings. More specifically, feelings of hate for my customers. Most of them are jerks and/or morons. It's astounding how many of these people there are in the world, and how they seem to be attracted to my register. So, without further ado...

Jerks and Morons

• Don't complain to me about the prices. I can't change them.
• One jerk came to me and paid me with $11 in quarters. That's 44 quarters.
• My very last day, some old lady came the line next to me, and asked, "Is this Harkins?" All I did was turn around and look at the big HARKINS sign behind me.
• I really hate it when someone's waiting in line for 5 minutes, then when they get to the front they look up at the menu and say, "OK, what do I want?" You had 5 minutes to decide that before you got here! Stop holding up my line!
• On my first day in the concession stand, a little girl puked in front of the counter. We called the lobby usher to come an take care of it while her dad took her to clean her up. About a minute later he came back and said "I think it's pretty disgusting that you're just letting that sit there." I have a line here, buddy. I can't put my customers on hold to do someone else's job.
• One day in November '01 or so I was working the popcorn machine (my favorite job by far... it keeps you busy, but you don't have to deal with customers) and a woman came up and asked for unsalted popcorn. Now, the way we make popcorn is by taking a big scoop and getting a bunch of seed, dumping some salt in there, throwing it in the kettle and pushing a button to spray oil in it. So we can't just make one bag of unsalted popcorn. Unless Ryan's manager is there and says, "Just guess how much seed would be in one bag." Of course, the same amount of oil came out, so that popcorn was pretty disgusting.
• We refill the large cups for free, but only once. Back when I was still getting the hang of it, I accidentally gave some jerk the medium cup instead of the large cup. When he came back for his refill, he caused a big scene about getting his refill. Yes, it was my fault, but he was still a jerk.
• Part of my job is salesmanship, and I'm a horrible salesman. One of my customers decided to rub that in my face. I asked, "What size popcorn would you like?" and he said, "You tell me." So I gave him a large, telling him he'd get a free refill with it. At this point he told me I wasn't a very good salesman. I didn't know what else I could do... I thought the free refill was pretty enticing. I pointed over to some empty disply bags that were right behind me to show him what size he was getting, and he said I should point at the bags with actual popcorn in them, because they look more fulfilling. Those bags, however, were 20 feet away, and the bags I pointed to were 5 feet away. This went on for a few minutes, but my memory must have repressed the details.
• Couples make me mad too. Back when I was still new, some guy came up with his girlfriend and ordered a large popcorn. I looked down at my register to find the Large Popcorn button, and after finding it said, "Would you like butter on your... uh...." I cut myself off when I looked up to find my customers making out at my register. And this is not an isolated incident... it's happened several times. Jerks, jerks, jerks.
• One day (6/28/02) a strange woman came up to me and said, "Excuse me, you helped me before..." I had never seen her before, so I was pretty confused at this point. "...I have high blood pressure and can't have salt..." Oh no. You have GOT to be kidding me. "...so could you get me some unsalted popcorn?" HOW IN BLAZES DID SHE REMEMBER ME AFTER 7 MONTHS?? NOOOOO! This time, however, I just took the easy road and made a whole batch of unsalted popcorn. Screw everyone else, I'm not soaking 1 bag of popcorn in a whole batch's worth of oil.
• OK, I lied... the BIGGEST morons are the people that say, "Hey, Ryan, could you hook me up with a free popcorn?" First of all, I've never seen you before in my life, and the only reason you know my name is my nametag. Second, if I give you free popcorn, I don't get to see free movies because our inventory would be screwed. Now get out of my sight, freeloader.
• Anyone who asks for layered butter is automatically a jerk. I have to walk allllll the way back to the popcorn machine, fill it up, realize I'm supposed to layer it, dump half out, walk alllll the way over to the butter machine, butter it, walk alllll the way back to the popper, fill it, walk alllll the way back to the topper, and finish buttering it. I've had people as for THREE LAYERS! GET OUT OF MY LINE!!
• Anyone who asks for an Icee is an even bigger jerk. The machines never work. The Icees are always too foamy, too runny, too watery, too syrupy, too frozen, or defective in some other way. They wouldn't be so bad if every other person didn't order one for themselves and one for each of their 3 kids, using up all the good stuff in the machine. Oh yeah... whenever what's in the machine isn't edible (which is usually anytime you use it), it starts beeping like crazy. I go insane anytime I get an Icee because I know it's going to start beeping any second.
• Speaking of Icees, once I had two jerks in my line who got in this BIG argument over the difference between and Icee and a Slushee. This lady asked for 2 white cherry Slushees, and the guy she was with immediately starts a debate. He said that Icee and Slushee were brand names and there was a huge difference. She said that it doesn't matter because I knew what she meant. I said "I hate you both, get out of my line." Just kidding, that would get me fired.
• Any kid that comes to my line is a jerk. Kids can't seem to read the menu and want to know if they can get $3.25 Red Vines for a dollar. Try the condiment stand, kid, I think you can get a packet of ketchup for a dollar. They also realize that when they order a large drink, a large popcorn, an Icee, and M&M's, $5.00 isn't nearly enough. Then they just run off.

If I've just helped customers, and I'm still standing at my register doing nothing, I'm obviously open, right? Not obviously enough, because some morons still have to ask me if I'm open.

One moron asked me for sprite. When I told him we had Sierra Mist, he got a weird look on his face and changed his mind. They're the exact same thing, buddy.

If a movie came out in a language you don't understand, with no subtitles, would you pay $8 to see it? No! Well, some morons do. I can tell they don't speak English because their children have to translate everything I say. M-O-R-O-N-S!

A large cup and a souvenir cup are not the same. Many, many people cannot get this straight.

Back when we had the self-serve concession stands, I was the "Greeter" one day. The greeter just asks people if they want a pretzel, a smoothie, or a pizza. Most people just say no. So, greeter just has to stand there all night doing nothing, basically. The one time I was greeter, a little girl came up to me and just started slapping my leg for no reason. Then she ran off. Jerk.

Two ladies came to my line, as I heard something making a loud, high noise. I looked around to see where it was coming from, and it turned out to be the kid they were with. He wouldn't shut up until they were gone.

And the top 4 jerks I've ever had:

4. I've also dealt with bratty teenage girls. One guy brought his four daughters in (for Lilo & Stitch I assume) and came to me and started ordering. While he was talking, his oldest daughter (she looked 13 or so, but it's hard to tell with girls) tried to order something, then turned to her dad and yelled, "DAD, IT'S HARD FOR ME TO ORDER WHEN YOU'RE TALKING!!" Hey, guess what? He was talking first, moron. How about you wait your turn like a civilized human being instead of yelling at your dad for not letting you interrupt him?

3. One of our items is a souvenir cup, which can be refilled for only a dollar for the whole year of 2002. We've also had it in past years, but because it is now 2002, I can't fill it up. Well, on jerk didn't seem to understand this. He came up to me with a 2001 cup expecting to get a Diet Pepsi. I told him because it is a 2001 cup, I could only fill it with water. He told me that he had a coupon that said it was good for 2002 also, and they filled it up last time he went. I said, "Yeah, right. What kind of moron do you think I am?" Well, not really. That would get me fired. I actually said, "I can only fill it with water." This isn't the first time someone's brought in the 2001 cup, but most people just yell at themselves for grabbing the wrong cup. This guy, on the other hand, grabbed the cup out of my hand, slammed it down on the counter, then caught it on the bounce and went to a different line. I said, "Go wherever you want, you won't get any soda in there."...Ok, I lied again. That would get me fired too. Being nice to customers is the worst part of my job.

2. And the biggest jerk I've ever dealt with (for a while).... once I had a kid by a $3.00 hot dog, and run off leaving me only $2.00. I said, "NOOOOOOOO!" and ran off to track him down. I found him in All About the Benjamins, sitting behind his sister. I had to explain to his sister that I needed another dollar. She gave me a $5 bill, and in my eternal stupidity I tried to give her her original $2 back as change. She we got in this HUGE arguement over how much I owed her, and I eventually just left the theater. I explained the situation to my supervisor and he agreed with me, so I felt justified in my position. She came out a few minutes later looking for her money, explaining that she gave me $5 to make up for that $1 she still owed me, and I should give her $4 change. My manager realized this was right, but I didn't for quite some time. Yes, I'm a moron. If that happened now, I'd say "Screw that!" I don't care if my drawer is a dollar short anymore. Some morons leave their drawers short $150! I dont know how the hey you could lose $150. The most I've lost is like $9.50. But the point is, that kid was probably the biggest jerk I've ever had. Until...

The Grand Champion of the Jerks:

We were really busy on the first day of MIB 2, and I had a bunch of people giving me big orders, until I got down to this lady who said she was in a hurry and ordered 8 Icees. I had trouble containing my laughter... if you're in a hurry, you don't order even 1 Icee, much less 8. So I get 4 or 5 together when she stops my supervisor and tells him that she'd been waiting in my line for ages, and that I'm the slowest person she's ever seen and he should see the way I just "mosey" around. She said that she told me she was in a hurry but she was still waiting there. EIGHT ICEES! Come on, now. Now I really, really hate people.