This is an article I wrote for my high school newspaper. I liked it so much
that I decided I couldn't just throw it away, so I decided to post it here
Originally printed May 16, 2003
Ever since the beginning of the year, one thing has plagued my otherwise absent
mind: who am I going to take to Prom? It cost me $110 last year, an expense I
could easily afford at the time. But I have since quit my job, and now figuring
out who I’m willing to spend that much money on has become an increasingly more
daunting task.
I am not the first to encounter this quandary. Throughout history, there has
been an ever-growing social and economic chasm growing between people due to
the stigma males encounter every April and May. It has been present, whether
you know it or not, since the dawn of civilization.
The first recorded Prom was held at Mesopotamia High School in 3907 BC The
Fighting Cattle began the practice, some years later, of finding a clever way
to ask your date out. Of course, cultural differences between ancient Sumer and
our own day made things much different; a popular method was killing the largest
boar one could find, and leaving it near her hut with a message along the lines
of, “Go to Prom with me, or I’ll kill you!” Usually, the way you asked a girl
to prom determined your social status in the Sumerian society. Creatively asking
your date out has been practiced by every culture since then, save the Vikings,
who pillaged their dates from villages they plundered.
At first the dance was the only part of the evening. The Babylonians added the
dinner several centuries later. The idea was conceived by the males to avoid
the burdens of the dance. They would stuff themselves with pork and fruit so
they would have an excuse not to prance around like a moron later in the evening.
However, recent discoveries by archaeologists have revealed that their dates, as
they do today, nagged them into it. They were obviously even more uncomfortable
than they would have been had they not bloated their stomachs, forcing a great
deal of animosity on the gentlemens’ part directed toward the ladies.
Coincidentally, the same actions were going on half-way around the globe. The
Mayans pioneered the after-dance party. In 306 AD, the boys of Uxmal High
School’s Prom decided to have a little fun. They brought dates to the temple,
and spent all night partying and sacrificing their dates to the Gods. The
surviving girls, for unfathomable reasons, were not fond of the boys after this.
The new social canyon was slowly filled over the next few centuries, and Prom
slowly became popular again.
As long as we’re discussing the Mayans… scientists have long been baffled by
their mysterious disappearance. However, a great deal of research has brought
to my knowledge that the Mayan society was not wiped out by war, or famine, etc.
No, the Mayan society imploded on itself. The cause? Yep. Prom.
The girls grossly outnumbered the guys at Uxmal High School. Consequently, there
was unprecedented competition between the females to get a date to Prom. In 897
AD, when all the males had made their selections, more than a thousand girls
remained dateless. The aftermath, now known as the Mayan Leftover Disaster,
widened the social gap between men and women for an entire generation. The
result: a feud not unlike that of Romeo and Juliet or West Side Story. Hundreds
of gang fights later, the society crumbled. Oh, yeah, then a little plague hit.
They didn’t last long after that. But barring deadly disease, had the Llamas of
Uxmal High School not held a Prom, they might have enjoyed prominence, at least
until the Spanish came to steal their gold and women.
The Aztecs had an interesting way of determining their dates. They played a game
in a trench, similar to soccer and basketball, where they tried to propel a
ball through a hoop mounted sideways near the top of the ditch. The best players
won the most attractive girls. The shows the first instance of jocks widening
the gap between social classes in high school. The Aztecs abandoned Prom early
in their history, showing they were clearly ahead of their time.
Royalty was first crowned in Medieval Britain, in 1207 AD The students of
Aberdeen High School (a lower-class school attended by local vassals) longed to
feel the empty joys of sovereignty. Thus, Shamus McCallister and Elizabeth
O’Donnel became the first Prom King and Queen, respectively. As they do today,
the losers were overcome with raging envy. The ensuing riot caused King John to
abolish Prom, and it would not be seen again until the Pilgrims held a springtime
dance to celebrate surviving the winter.
While this period is commonly known as the Dark Ages, the lack of a Prom brought
a social and economic boom to high school-aged males, the likes of which had
never been witnessed on this Earth. There were no unclaimed girls getting angry at
them, no ridiculously expensive pictures to pay for, and no worrying about
landing a date in the first place. Indeed, this was a golden age for adolescents,
having more friends and more money than any other society of youths in history.
But, alas, those days are over.
Which brings me to my point. Is the “chasm” I mentioned earlier really worth it?
I spent $110 on Prom last year. I could have just as easily taken my date to a
movie, or ice-skating, and have had just as much fun. The social consequences I
have brought up clearly defend that Prom is a plague to organized society. If any
of you care about the civilized world at all, you will join with me in my crusade
against this apocalyptic menace. To arms, noble warriors! For the good of our
civilization!
|
|