In looking at the election coming this November, I can't help but think that there is no right answer on the ballot. I'm no political columnist, so I'm not the man to tell you what's wrong with Bush or Kerry, but I've heard enough to decide that neither of them is particularly desirable.
So who should we vote for? A third party? In the words of Kang (or Kodos, I forget which), "GO AHEAD! THROW YOUR VOTE AWAY!" But to tell the truth, you're probably throwing your vote away no matter who you vote for because it's a lose-lose situation right now. So if you're going to throw your vote away, you might as well throw it at someone you know and trust.
I'm speaking, of course, of myself. Why vote for me instead of one of the mainstream, major party nominated, Consitutionally-eligible-by-age candidates?
My Political Platform
1. The National Debt: My budget will cut some of the less important areas of spending. First will be defense (nuclear missles will just be hollow tubes... for show, mostly), though I'll keep that under the table so no one will know that we're fair game for any military except France and Canada. Second will be education; our nation's children are a bunch of lamers and I'm not investing another cent in their bleak futures.
2. Abortion and Gay Marriage: I grouped these together because they fit into a category that's important on my list: stuff I'm tired of hearing about. If some special interest group comes to me demanding a law either way on such issues, I will reply with a definitive "Go ask someone who cares." I reserve the right to add other topics to this area at a moment's notice.
3. Censorship: As Jeanne can vouch for, I hate being censored. When the Guidon refused to let me use the phrase "getting buzzed" in my prom article, I vowed to destroy censorship as we know it. But, since my mom will probably get mad at me... instead, censorship will be increased ten-fold. Except for my writing, of course. Sorry, mom, but my smelly bus article will not be changed on my watch.
4. Terrorism: Lots of people seem to think the USA PATRIOT Act is too invasive. Well I say, it's not invasive enough! I could very easily have a hand-written conversation with someone about destroying the White House and no current surveillance could catch it. Under my rule, half the people in any restaurant you dine in will be a government agent. You won't be able to walk anywhere outside your home without several cameras being fixed on you. And, 100 people be randomly arrested nationwide every week. I figure at least 1 in those 100 will be a terrorist.
5. Conspiracies: A new government agency will be created specifically for debunking retarded conspiracy theories. People like my history teacher who pettle this junk as fact will be publicly flogged. Specifically, anyone who believes the 9/11 conspiracy bull will be deported because A) I don't want those fools in my country, and B) If they believe it they probably hate this country and don't want to be here anyway.
6. Steroids: Barry Bonds and the Yankee infield will be banned from baseball. No other action will be taken. Go Diamondbacks.
And that's just the beginning of a long list of action that will be taken my first few months in office. So when you are sealed inside the voting apparatus on November 9th, make a decision that you know you won't regret. Remember: A vote for Ryan is a vote for anarchy!
Note: Half-way through this I realized Maddox already did this. Well screw him. Besides, I touch on real issues, and he talks about.... vampire hunting. Cough.