Ryan's Job

Since June 19 will mark my last day at Sears, it's high time I considered my next career move. I decided months ago that I never want to work in retail again. Ever. But this is America, and there are plenty of oppurtunities for a young man like myself that doesn't want to do any real work. Let's go down the list of possible career paths:

1. Skydiving Instructor--Of course, I won't bother with that safety junk. People don't want to listen to me talk, they want to jump out of planes.

2. Librarian--After listening to the same songs for 7 hours a day for 10 months, I need silence.

3. Crash Test Dummy--For anything that dangerous, the money has GOT to be outstanding.

4. Nuclear Physicist--How hard could it be?

5. Zookeeper--And by "Zookeeper," I really mean "Distributor of exotic meats."

6. Panhandler--Because nothing could possibly be more catering to the lazy.

7. Megalomaniac--See update in Current Events.

8. Programmer--If you know me... Duh.

9. Clown--Being an MCA wasn't nearly humiliating enough to curb my massive ego.

10. Bash.org Moderator--Seriously. There needs to be a regime change over there.

11. Website Content Writer--Updating is hard work. I should get paid for this.

12. Village Idiot--Heck, that's even easier than panhandling.

13. Ninja Tutrle--When I was five, I said I wanted to be a ninja turtle when I grew up. A guy can dream, can't he?

14. Professional Dodgeball Player--Because dodgeball is fun. What, you think I need a good reason?

15. Mechanic--When I took an auto class my senior year of high school, I couldn't do a single job without humiliating myself. Before my life is over, I will change a car's oil without making a big puddle on the ground.

16. Seventh Grade Teacher--Just kidding. I'd rather stay at Sears.

17. Cartoonist--So I can fire Richi.

18. Department Store Vigilante--As an associate of Sears, I'm not allowed to tell people off for leaving large piles of clothes on the floor. But as an independent worker, I'll be able to defend justice against the most inconsiderate people in the world. Plus, I'll get to club people!

19. Hitman--Screw the department store. I'll just club people.

20. Harkins Theaters Floor Worker--People say it's rough, but it doesn't sound so bad to me.